One Minute I'm laughing...

My mother has recently passed away. (Yesterday was her funeral and it was awful and I was a mess). I am just lucky I was able to write a little something and be able to share it with everyone. I know she heard me. I am so numb now. My mother was everything to me and now it's just me and my dad and my dog and ken (my boyfriend). I am lucky I even have that many people to list. Days go by so fast now and it is sad. Me and Ken have got to get this house cleaned up so we can move. Where we live now is so ridculously expensive. I hope I am being a good daughter to my dad. I am trying to spend as much time with him as possible and be there for him to talk to whenever he needs me. My sister on the otherhand is hanging out with her friend and she didnt even really shed a single tear but I mean she is older and in the air force so many in a way that has toughtend her but regardless our mother is gone and she is free of the immense pain she felt everyday due to her neuropathy and her severe mal-nutrition. I am really at a loss I am really bearly functioning and in all actuality eating feels like a chore and so does talking to people and holding conversations. My one friend who was here for me the whole time I've been kinda short with which is a shame but thats what I do when I am in anguish or pain I push people away which isn't exactly the smartest thing to do. But I have Ken and BUDDY and most importantly my dad. This is like the longest entry I've written in away. I kind of want to forget the rubbish bullshit I wrote in the past. I am different than I was before and I hope I am never like that stupid naive girl who wrote those entries otherwise. At the time of those entries I was like 16 or 17. I am 22 now and I can honestly say I feel alot different.

I was just sitting on my couch on the phone with my boyfriend and i have a slip cover on the couch and its blue with a pattern and i just saw like different shit like it looked like it was raining and it was scary and no i am not on any drugs. Has this happended to anyone my boyfriend seems to think my eyes are playing tricks on me. It's not anything bad is it?.

Wow I haven't written in awhile
well to put things lightly not a lot has changed.
I feel so trapped in my life and it really fucking suck. I gotta look before I leap though because I guesss my only option right now is cosmotology school but to be honest I am not that interested in it. Its kinda just there as something to do till I really decide what I am going to do with my life.

I don't speak iTALIAN and was wondering what he said


Thanks in advance



ciao,scusa nn e che avresti due minuti per spiegarmi come funziona myspace

I am sure someone within this community would kno this song

i just kno these lyrics

So I feel like speaking with some of you lucky few

hit me up

SPOILEDRUBIES

here is a better photo of myself

I represent the 301 IN MD

So me and James are over with. I am calling him James because he broke my heart and he isnt jimmy to me anymore. Thats retarded but whatever. I am really deppressed I loved him with my whole heart and soul. But whatever if he wants to throw his life away then I am going to move out of his way. I wish Gabby would stop saying he loves me because I have no love for him at all and when he says that I am so repulsed its werid. This is going to be a short entry whatever I never write in this thing anymore. I might be going with Mischa tonight to go see Aqua Teen Hunger force movie... That might be nice. Man its 420 I wanna get high though maybe Britt will call me and we'll chill and she'll get me high like she always does. Its her moms birthday though so she has to go out to dinner. Hopefully she'll make it short and sweet..


bye bitches

Its bad when you have a dream and it seems so real. the dream I had couldn't of been real he wouldnt of done that to me. Or let that happen he is at least that decent..

I hope

Well I am glad I am done with the whole ordeal. I really am looking forward to moving on. And I hope I get out of Maryland soon. I dont really care where i end up. Its just seeing the same fucking people all the time is not good for me. I know its going to be like that anywhere I go and stay for a prolonged period of time. But maybe now that I am a little bit wiser I will surround myself around people who aren't bad for me. Thats all I can hope for really. Jesus fucking christ I posted a comment in a community about tattoos because I thought about getting a xxx tattoo and people flipped out. I m ean what the fuck and they investigate and shit. I never said I was perfect and I never said I was straight edge for a long time. So don't jump in my shit. God damn leave me the fuck alone.

I would do anything to have my own life back. Even if that means not being with the people that I am with now. I want to be able to go home and have my mom love me the same way and not have my dad feel guilty because he might be excited of the news I am going to spring up on them. I am very scared and I feel so god damn alone. But jesus this is my fault and I got to deal with consequences. I hate who I am and I dont care if its selfish because nobody can judge me but me. None of u all really matter. Your faceless people in a crowd.

Hey Im two and a half months pregnant and I was just wondering of any "fun surprises I should be in store for. I just experience the throwing up bit but maybe thats because I have the flu or just a combonation of being pregnant and being sick. And I've got the back hurting and boob hurting thing but I was just wondering if anybody had any other symptoms they experienced. When I was nauseous I tried to chew a piece of gum and it ended up tasting like ben gay to me which I've never actually tried but yeah it wasnt pretty.
thanks

So things don't seem to be getting better they seem to be getting worse. I hate feeling like this most of the time. Time is going by so fucking slowly I wish it would just speed the fuck up and be tommorow already. I hate waiting for the phone to ring and yeah its like that right now I am that deppressed I long to just go in my mom's room and lay down with her but I know she'd probably be like what the fuck is your problem and why are you in here?. I wanna hang out with my dad but I don't like seeing him in all the pain and then this bullshit with gabby not being with me anymore. I mean is this just trivial stuff because its weighing pretty fucking heavy on my mind. I am sick of fake guys pretending to care so they can get in your pants. I am not a stupid fucking cunt whore okay I have a brain in my head and I am on to your fucking stupid games. I don't know who I can talk to anymore because it seems the people I chose to talk to decide to share my information with others and thats not fucking cool at all. This is all high school drama bullshit and I wanna be done with it. And I am glad that the friends I have are happy and are living their lives but when can I start mine?. I go to school and I work and I see my friends when I see them but its like when I go out I feel like I am abondoing my family and I dont want them to see it that way. At least Marie is sober thank god for that. I called a suicide hotline yesterday and although I assured them I wouldnt do anything so they didn't call the police it was like they didn't tell me anything I didn't already know myself. I hate my job so bad I mean its not like its even that difficult its just because the managers and stuff and all the shit we have to remember to do and its not like I even get paid good. Whatever maybe I am an emo mess of emotions but maybe I am not and maybe all this stuff could break someone I just wanna be with someone right now and I can't. Oh well nobody reads this anyway.. This is just for my observation I suppose.

Do you believe north korea is a threat?. And does anybody know anything about that crazy dictator Kim ill whatever his name is?

What did you do today
anything benefical or worth mentioning?

Maybe I am naive
but I don't want you to tell me that
I want to find this out on my own
maybe I am hard-headed
maybe I am a drug head
I know f or one thing
I am a lot more of the positive
than people give me credit for
I am not asking for a m edal
just some damn recogniton


This is just free-stylin
I wish I had my K's then I would be bothering with this internet nonsense
and maybe everything I write about Adrian is a lie
and maybe we should of just stayed friends
I dont even no
am I going to make a big mistake in my near future
I sure as hell hope not

Okay so this first pic is
a pic of me looking dopey cuz I love drugs and they love me





I was trying to be sexy I don't know if it worked








I had just gotten my makeup done @ mac

So I am nineteen now the last of my teen years and I honestly can say I feel older and maybe hopefully more wiser. I talked to Adrian today and he's really great but I don't know whats going to happen or whats in our future. I really care about him so much and I always talk about him. He understands me a lot more than some of the people I've talked to as of late. Ew I feel like posting pictures of myself


these are from my birthday


At red lobster because I wanted lobster but yeah I didnt really want to go there. It was just a default place to go really because my dad wanted to go there and yeah my mom didnt go so I basically went cuz my dad wanted to go.




This is my renface pic
I look like Lauren I think she makes a lot of pics that look like this
its cool













His name is john and he loves me and he made me a sign


I call him roosterman








I kinda resemble my sister
shes pretty and in the airforce

okay this is enough

God I'm so lonely and its raining and I really wish that like a certain somebody was home right now but he's not he's working and I would go and see him but we already have plans that I am going to see him Monday morning but that just seems so far from now. I need to learn to not get so attached to these boys because their all worthless assholes you know?. Like its just amazing how some guys can be the coolest and best and wonderful guys and their with girls who don't deserve them and then you get the asshole ones who are more than needed in this lifetime. I wanna be with him I wanna be near him. My parents dislike him and he's kinda occupied but I mean so what this is a challenge and this is actually one that I am up for and I am not getting out of it. I've been lazy and unavailable emotionally before but I really hope I get what I want. I mean I am a spoiled girl its very unlikely I don't get what I want. But I guess I'll just have to see as this story of my life unfolds. That sounded really gay but thats how it is appearing in my head to write as I am writing this.

VoicePost 63K 0:39

(no transcription available)

I'm not even a notch in his bed post because he doesnt have a bedpost. What the fuck did I get myself into. It felt great and all that but is it really going to be worth it. I'll give him one day to prove to me than I am worth something to him. Otherwise I will never talk to him again. God I am such a sleeze sometimes but then I think no I AM NOT because we all learn from our mistakes

I am listenin to bsb
a nd missing the past

SHAUNA AND JENNIFER are my best friends in the world and they won't even be here for my birthday on July 08th how awful is that and Marie is going to North Carolina where Rachel is so I wont have nobody here @ all its going to suck royally.